Welcome to my life which, as you can see, is a gigantic, messy to-do list. This is a pretty average week for my little family, except for the fact that the boys have two days off from school (GAH!) so that their schools can hold Parent-Teacher Conferences. I tend to get easily overwhelmed by all these demands, so I keep a Master To-do List in my kitchen on a giant dry-erase board. The list is very anxiety-reducing, because I know that nothing will get forgotten or neglected. Also, every time I dry-erase a task off of my list, I get to do a little dance that looks something like this:
Well, my dance looks a little different, 'cuz, you know, I simply am not able to do horizontal stripes (they make me look thick).
Rocky thinks I'm nuts, and not just because I am a list-making, dancing fool. He can't understand why I don't find my to-do list overwhelming.
The other night, I reminded him to wash his face before bed with his acne-fighting-for-delicate-skin wash pads. He actually started to cry. "I can't! I can't! Everything is too much! I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't handle having any responsibility right now! I'm really scared."
We talked for a while, Rocky regressively sucking his thumb while he listened. I asked him if it would help if I got him a dry-erase board like mine. He could see that his responsibilities are manageable, and he could wipe completed to-do items off his list every day, to celebrate each accomplishment. I said we could start with a veeeeeeery short list -- a "list" of just one task.
"No! That's not one thing! That's two things! Washing and wiping! I can't! I can't!"
That's two things? Seriously? I'm at a loss, readers. What can I do for this child?
I'll add it to my list, I guess, and hope I can eventually wipe it off.
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13 comments:
It's the anxiety talking. How's he doing with meds?
xo
We upped his anxiety med two weeks ago. So far, I'm not seeing a change but you know the drill: it can take up to six weeks for a new dose to have an effect.
My poor baby.
I am a huge list maker. I was making a mental list on the way to work today. Then I came to work and started a list..LOL.
It just kills me when things are so hard for these poor kids. What about an electronic calendar (asks the person typing on a handheld computer) - 'cool' for a teenager but can also help keep track of tasks?
Wish I had more.
Why don't you tell him that all he has to do is the listed task and you will do the washing and the wiping. Also, does he receive a highly desirable reinforcer ( a favorite video, trip to the store, certain food, etc.) at the end of the day or maybe a big one at the end of the week for accomplishing the tasks?
I use post-its for my to do list because the dry erase board kept getting accidentally wiped. Without my to-do list I would be lost. I can understand how Rocky feels. Some days I too can't handle "washing and wiping." I stare at my list and cry.
My daughter is also a teen and there are days when she can't handle something as simple as getting dressed. She melts down because she can't decide what shirt to wear and suddenly she's in tears. That mix of adolescent hormones and a disability is too much to cope with at times, especially for us parents. Sometimes I want to cry right along with her.
Maybe start with getting him acclimated to the board, with you erasing (as suggested above). Then hand-over-hand it (if he doesn't object to being too old for that) or have him erase one letter and you erase the rest. Increase responsibility every 3 days or so w/ verbal reinforcers regarding the lack of stress and copious amounts of JOY that a task has been completed and removed! (i.e. Wow, I feel so much better seeing that gone! Isn't it nice to be able to see that our work is done? I love being able to erase things off my to-do list!)
Good luck with the med switch, too :-)
- B
OOH! Or have a number of "everyday" tasks that are printed out and laminated w/ some sort of velcro or magnet on the back. No erasing, just moving over to the "done" column instead of the "to do" column!
- B
I am loving -- LUUURRRRVING! -- all the comments today. You people rock my world! If you could see the dance I'm doing now in your honor, you'd know how incredible grateful I am. Full of grate!
Velcro works well from Jonathan. I took pictures of all the tasks we do. I did start with a reward at the bottom of the list. He liked removing the laminated Velcro picture to a "Done" envelop or moving it to the other side of the board.
I've also created a bunch to lists (get dressed for school list, ate breakfast list, pack for school list, bedtime routine list, etc.) As we got to each major task I'd pull out the list of breaking the task down to smaller ones. I also laminated and bought a dry erase marker he could use to check or scribble out the items.
I find I really only need these for Jonathan when he's anxious or in a transitional period.
My husband lives by his Palm Pilot. It has calendars, contact information, to do lists, games, etc. He's talking about getting one for Jonathan when Jonathan is older. Maybe Rocky would like this more grown up and manly hand held electronic? You can load it with all kinds of things he might feel reward by after successfully completing his list.
All these have worked, but only for a time around here. Good luck!
I'll always remember Nigel's response to responsibility: "Who invented responsibility? Was it Charlemagne or Aristotle?" He went on to indicate that when he makes his time machine, they better watch their backs.
Nigel is finally (at 15) motivated a little more by money (his allowance) and things he wants that can be bought with it. And if the responsibilities aren't met, the allowance is reduced. For the longest time, the allowance didn't motivate him, but in the past month it's been more noticeable.
From my autistic perspective, Rocky's sensitive nervous system seems to be in a state of extreme overload, and he simply cannot take in one more thing. It's not a question of lists or strategies, because I am a list-and-strategy junkie, and sometimes, I Just Can't Do One More Thing No Matter How Simple. It's just neurology. You can't add anything to a bucket that's already full.
The kid's overwhelmed with being at school all day. I'm 51, and I'd be in the same state that Rocky is in if I had to be around so many people every day.
For me, the only answer has been to simplfy, simplify, simplify. For Rocky, the only image that comes to my mind is to have him be somewhere he can be focused on a task he likes without tons of people around him. I keep thinking that this kid is ready for focused, supervised work in the world at large, like in that thrift store you wrote about.
School is just sensory hell. It was for me. I got through it, but I basically fell apart by the time it was done. I would have so much liked it if someone had just said, "Screw school. You're ready to earn a paycheck" and actually gave me something useful to do. By the time I was 20, I left school and did it for myself, but it would have been nice to have had it happen before I couldn't hold a pencil anymore without shaking. As it was, I ended up at an Ivy League school and it was a *disaster*.
Tardy for the party here, is he getting enough cardio exersize? That's a very efficient stress/anxiety reducer.
I used to get regular anxiety attacks when I was 16-19 and whenever I would I'd go down and haul ass on the treadmill for 12 minutes and I'd feel 95% better as soon as I was done (95% because my legs would feel like jello afterwards)
It literally burns up stress.
R
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